I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
