My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize