Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
