Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
