I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Randomize
