Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
