my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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