The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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