I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize