Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
My ass is underappreciated
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
