Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
