remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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