i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
