I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
