tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
