I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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