it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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