between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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