meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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