there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
