oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
