I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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