Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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