Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
