Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
