the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just pynch a tree in the face
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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