Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
