i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize