Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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