did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
