this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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