Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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