god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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