I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
