I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
