it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
