I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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