It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
