its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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