So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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