Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
