I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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