She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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