There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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