now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize