I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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