I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
he shaved USA in his pubs
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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