Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
