there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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