I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
