Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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