I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Randomize