Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
