there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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