Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
