Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
